The CFO

The CFO has terminal cancer. The vet says she has, perhaps, 2 weeks to be on this earth. The vet told me the name of the disease, but I wasn't really listening. It's all over inside her abdomen. She has about a pound of fluid in there now with more to come.

I took her to the vet because she had stopped eating. She's home now and does eat small amounts of baby food. She has no interest in cat food at all. So she gets all the baby food she wants whenever she wants it. She is also still drinking water and using the litter box.

Her behavior is normal. She sleeps a lot. Then she will wake up, wander around, maybe have a little snack, find a new place to snooze. I'm spending a lot of time on the sofa with a blanket on my lap because that's one of her snooze places. Right now she gets whatever she wants.

Sometimes I can talk about this in person over the phone. Sometimes not. Facebook is a good thing. I can send out one notice to lots of people all at once. Right now I have to quit this. I'm crying to much.

Information? Gossip?

I am being given so much information about the matter at our Zen Center ... or maybe it's gossip and backbiting. I don't know a single spiritual tradition that condones gossip and backbiting. I don't know a single person that doesn't engage in it.

I'm learning things about what happened recently, things about what happened 30 years ago. I'm learning things that people have observed many times but kept quiet about.

I'm learning what people are thinking themselves and what they are doing. I'm learning about people who want to forgive right away, people who don't want to forgive just yet, people who think they can never forgive.

I'm learning about people who have already moved on and about people who are frozen. I'm learning about people who are furiously angry and about people who are sad beyond measure.

I am left confused. I don't know what I think, what I want, what I will do.

I know that I am not hurt personally. Nothing bad happened to me. I don't have a long history with the center.

I know I highly disapprove of most of the behavior I am hearing about. It's clear that people have been doing bad things for a long time and not being called to account for it until now.

I know I have to forgive because there is no reason for me not to do so. And I believe that .... and I have no idea who originated this idea, but I certainly buy into it .... withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison myself and expecting the other person to die. Perhaps I have done this already because I know I am not feeling bitter or wronged and I am really ready to MOVE ON.

But the question is ... move on where? how? to what?

I find I don't want to go and do things at the center, in that building. I find I am dismayed about a fair amount of the behavior I am seeing with people who have strong connections there. I am not sure I want to throw my lot in with what I see happening there at the moment. I know for sure I do not want to be in the position of having to defend certain behavior to others, and I don't want to sign on as "me too" to certain decisions that have been made to date.

I know that certain people I care deeply about and trust totally have already made their choices. I know I cannot follow some. I think I might want to follow others. I am bothered by the fact that I am using the word "follow" all the time because it tells me that I don't know my own mind  and am not making my own decisions yet.

I know it will be easy to just kind of let things happen. I could just always be "too busy" to go to the center or some other place. It could also be "too expensive" or "too much trouble."

How expensive should spiritual practice be? How easy or difficult? How much trouble should it be? How much commitment should I feel? What do I want out of this whole thing? Why am I doing this at all in the first place? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I think what I have to do is to sit with these questions for awhile.