This Week at Red Butte - Rose the Impaler

The daffodils are doing mighty fine.

We have cherry blossoms too.

I like all the miniature daffodils we have in the rose garden.

And now there are hyacinths. The fragrance garden is just overwhelming with the scent of them.

On Wednesday while most of the volunteers and staff were moving  trees,

I worked on more rose pruning. I had to spend an inordinate amount of time with this vicious bush

that I now not so affectionately have named Rose the Impaler because that was what she did to me, many times. I found little wounds all over my arms after I got home.

On Saturday the regular volunteers and some of the staff did "skilled labor" a.k.a. weeding

while a LARGE number of students from more than one school had to do a fair amount of standing around.

Their job was to mulch and the staff driving the trucks back and forth to the mulch central couldn't keep up with all the help.

I took a walk through the whole garden and was walking behind a bride who was there for photos. It was like following a ghost .. a veiled lady al in white who was always walking away from me. I would just get glimpses of her ahead as the path wound in and out. 

I had the pleasure of talking with some visitors including nice family here from Calgary who couldn't have been more pleased with how much spring we had.

And we do have a lot of lovely spring right now!

Gardening at Red Butte begins

My volunteer work at Red Butte Botanic Gardens has begun. April 2 was the first day. I have only been able to go 3 times so far, what with all the school work I still have to do and the terrible weather we have been having on and off lately. I'm supposed to go tomorrow, but rain and cold may keep me away.

So this blog is a picture blog about what I have done so far. I'll start with some lovely pictures of spring flowers in bloom.

I helped to plant all these little bulbs in the new rose garden a couple of years ago. It was a lot of work.

These little blue irises are my favorites.

But the white ones are pretty sweet too.

So the first day we pruned roses. There was a lot of damage over the winter. I had to prune some bushes almost totally away.

These bushes might not survive.

I also cut back on dead grasses on the second day.

Cutting back on the rosebushes did allow these beautiful shrubs to shine though.

And you will notice my Coffee Garden travel mug there in the corner.

Here is one of the rose beds again.

Be sure to visit the gardens if you can!

Farewell little kitty

I can't yet write any details without crying. Little kitty died on Tuesday April 5, 2011.

I find I look for her all the time and sometimes "see" her out of the corner of my eye, ever so briefly. I plan that in the autumn I will welcome another kitty into my life. But not just now.

Meanwhile the amount of work I have had to do is a bit overwhelming.

And the Zen Center has a big "for sale" sign in front now. Life is all about impermanence, no?

The CFO

The CFO has terminal cancer. The vet says she has, perhaps, 2 weeks to be on this earth. The vet told me the name of the disease, but I wasn't really listening. It's all over inside her abdomen. She has about a pound of fluid in there now with more to come.

I took her to the vet because she had stopped eating. She's home now and does eat small amounts of baby food. She has no interest in cat food at all. So she gets all the baby food she wants whenever she wants it. She is also still drinking water and using the litter box.

Her behavior is normal. She sleeps a lot. Then she will wake up, wander around, maybe have a little snack, find a new place to snooze. I'm spending a lot of time on the sofa with a blanket on my lap because that's one of her snooze places. Right now she gets whatever she wants.

Sometimes I can talk about this in person over the phone. Sometimes not. Facebook is a good thing. I can send out one notice to lots of people all at once. Right now I have to quit this. I'm crying to much.

Information? Gossip?

I am being given so much information about the matter at our Zen Center ... or maybe it's gossip and backbiting. I don't know a single spiritual tradition that condones gossip and backbiting. I don't know a single person that doesn't engage in it.

I'm learning things about what happened recently, things about what happened 30 years ago. I'm learning things that people have observed many times but kept quiet about.

I'm learning what people are thinking themselves and what they are doing. I'm learning about people who want to forgive right away, people who don't want to forgive just yet, people who think they can never forgive.

I'm learning about people who have already moved on and about people who are frozen. I'm learning about people who are furiously angry and about people who are sad beyond measure.

I am left confused. I don't know what I think, what I want, what I will do.

I know that I am not hurt personally. Nothing bad happened to me. I don't have a long history with the center.

I know I highly disapprove of most of the behavior I am hearing about. It's clear that people have been doing bad things for a long time and not being called to account for it until now.

I know I have to forgive because there is no reason for me not to do so. And I believe that .... and I have no idea who originated this idea, but I certainly buy into it .... withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison myself and expecting the other person to die. Perhaps I have done this already because I know I am not feeling bitter or wronged and I am really ready to MOVE ON.

But the question is ... move on where? how? to what?

I find I don't want to go and do things at the center, in that building. I find I am dismayed about a fair amount of the behavior I am seeing with people who have strong connections there. I am not sure I want to throw my lot in with what I see happening there at the moment. I know for sure I do not want to be in the position of having to defend certain behavior to others, and I don't want to sign on as "me too" to certain decisions that have been made to date.

I know that certain people I care deeply about and trust totally have already made their choices. I know I cannot follow some. I think I might want to follow others. I am bothered by the fact that I am using the word "follow" all the time because it tells me that I don't know my own mind  and am not making my own decisions yet.

I know it will be easy to just kind of let things happen. I could just always be "too busy" to go to the center or some other place. It could also be "too expensive" or "too much trouble."

How expensive should spiritual practice be? How easy or difficult? How much trouble should it be? How much commitment should I feel? What do I want out of this whole thing? Why am I doing this at all in the first place? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I think what I have to do is to sit with these questions for awhile.

What ties me down?

The Chief Feline Officer is not pleased about suitcases. She generally prefers that I stay home with her all of the time. I prefer to stay with her most of the time too. If I were ever to take some kind of extended TDY work, a non-negotiable condition would be that CFO goes with me. This particular kitty is kitty #4 in my life. She is 17 years old, doing well, but still is an elderly kitty. Soon after her time has passed, there will be kitty #5 in my life, perhaps even 5 & 6. When I decided to let cats into my life, nearly 35 years ago, I accepted the responsibility of being tied down. I don't feel burdened because that term has a connotation to me of doing something against my will. I joyously welcomed animals into my life and haven't looked back.

Perhaps I am tied down by my age. I am not planning on quitting my "corporate" work in favor of a sabbatical, a trip around the world, extended backpacking, reinventing myself. I am planning on traditional retirement. I will be able to do that in just a few years. So I am tied down right now by my need to continue to capitalize my retirement fund which I am doing. It's the same as saving up for that sabbatical, I think.

Perhaps I am tied down by my health. I really do want the assurance of having a good health insurance policy. Right now I don't make much use of it .... 1-2 doctor visits a year, some routine screening tests that so far are all negative, one simple, cheap medication. But sooner or later something will come up so that I need the insurance. I prefer not to be bankrupt by health care costs. So I'm tied down to my corporate job in order that I can keep my affordable health insurance. That's just the way it works in the US.

Perhaps I am tied down by my attachments. I am attached, I know, to the concepts of safety and comfort. I really prefer to have both in my life, and do not care to put myself into situations where they are absent or could easily be absent. This translates into behaviors such as ... paying enough rent so that I feel very safe in my apartment as opposed to paying a lot less, but having a lot of worries about safety ... not wanting to do camping when I travel .... not wanting to stay in hostels when I travel .... not wanting to stay in really cheap hotels when I travel ... not wanting to travel via backpacking or hitchhiking or buses in less developed countries .... wanting to have comfortable furnishings where I live, especially my bed. I also don't particularly want to travel to many places in the world. I know every place is fascinating and that I could learn so much by putting myself way outside my comfort zone, especially in less developed places or potentially dangerous places (Pakistan, anybody? How about Burma? I hear there are great Buddhist sites there.)  The truth is, I don't want to do that. And I don't need to do that. It's not a requirement that I do that. So I don't.

Perhaps I'm tied down by my sense of responsibility. I like my work, my work place and my co-workers.  Everybody treats me well at work, and all the indications I have from them is that they prefer I stick around for the indefinite future.  I feel a lot of gratitude for this right livelihood that I have and want to do well by my clients and my co-workers. I don't want to just pack up and leave them any time soon. When I do decide to leave this workplace, I intend to give them plenty of notice. I want to fulfill my responsibilities towards that place and those people and do it happily. I'm not just working for the paycheck and the insurance.

Perhaps I am tied down by this concept called "home." I like the idea that I have a home someplace in the world. It's where the cat is, it's where they have to take me in, it's where I feel safe, it's where I prefer to spend a lot of my time, it's someplace that I love. I'm fine about having that attachment too.

Perhaps I am tied down by my community. I have grown a community around me over the years. The people come for a variety of places and sources. I like living amongst them. I don't want to be packing up and leaving them anytime soon. Instead I want to continue to make the community larger.

Perhaps I am tied down by my stuff. Well, perhaps. I have decided that because I am staying put and making a home in a place, I prefer that my home be characterized by being safe, convenient, comfortable and beautiful. That means I have acquired and maintain a fair amount of stuff ... not a huge amount, but more than minimal for sure.

Do I feel burdened or tied down by this stuff that I have? No, I don't. I would just as soon have it right now, but if that overdue earthquake happens, and if the CFO and I both survive, I will be all right about losing all my stuff. Of course I will regret losing a few things, mostly art and family associated things. But I would get over the loss quickly and then figure out what to do next. Maybe take the insurance money and set off on that trip around the world with a backpack. Maybe create that minimal Swedish style place I so admire. Who knows? I'm sure I would regard the event as an opportunity to start fresh rather than a loss to regret.

So, for now, I am staying put where I am, doing what I have been doing for awhile longer. I'm keeping the stuff that I have because it suits me to continue to do that. I don't feel tied down at all. I feel like this is what I have chosen freely. Nothing and everything ties me down.

At Home

"All was white and clean, as though the room had been designed for surgery, or for Swedish people." I laughed out loud at this sentence from Claire Dederer's recent memoir Poser: My Life in Twenty Three Yoga Poses.

I LOVE those clean, simple interiors that are called by various names like "Zen" "Swedish" "Minimal" "Modern". You know the kind. Walls all white or almost white. Bare floors with maybe one white fluffy rug. Big windows with no window treatments or just some kind of shade that you hardly notice. Natural wood furniture without much upholstery, except possibly for the big white sofa. Sometimes there's a fireplace. If there is art on the wall it's usually large and single. No misc. stuff sitting around. No books to speak of ... maybe an art one on the coffee table. Monochrome palate overall in pale colors.  Check out the blog on my list at the right My Scandinavian Retreat. Interior design eye candy for me (or maybe porn.)

I have never once created an interior like these for the various places I have actually lived in. I probably never will. Minimalists people would probably blanche at seeing my places.

First of all, my walls are all filled up with art. Some of it actually is art. I have several signed, numbered prints done by real live artists bought from art galleries. There are quite a few posters in frames. Also photos and even postcards. Many framed greeting cards and also odd "things"... woven wall hangings, little stuffed dolls, a dream catcher made by an artist.  Sitting around are some small "statues" , many ceramic pieces made by artists (mostly bowls and vases).

Second, my walls are mostly painted various colors.  Right now my bedroom and living area are those light Scandinavian colors, grey, pale blue, cream. But my kitchen is inspired by rainbow sherbet .... it's orange, yellow and green. In a past apartment I painted an area navy blue, and in another the bathroom was bright pink. I grew up in a home painted by my dad who has fearless about color. My brother's old bedroom, for example, was purple and orange and looked good. I'll put any color on my walls that I want, and will change the colors from time to time when the old ones make me tired. Oh, yes, a lot of my furniture is painted too.

Third, I have lots of stuff around to look at and use. Books, throw pillows, light fixtures, clocks, baskets, candles, nice looking office supplies, jewelry boxes, nice looking lotion and potion containers, nice looking kitchen things. Everything is curated. All the horizontal surfaces that have things on them are tablescapes, not random objects that happen to be there. Most things are there for practical purposes. A few are just there to look interesting, like my little collection of nurse dolls or the shelf in the bookcase that contains my mom's old doll furniture.

I also have little "areas" in my place. There's a spinning area with a chair, my spinning wheel and a basket with supplies. There's a mediation area with a low altar table and a zafu and zabutan. There's a stylized Japanese alcove with  a hanging obi as the scroll, my old wooden step stool from childhood as the raised platform and a glass vase filled with hand spindles as the flower arrangement. There's an area with a chair near the door, useful for putting things onto upon arrival home or sitting down to put on shoes just before leaving. And the chair is easily moveable if there happen to be guests in the sitting area.

Here's the deal though. My place pleases me. Guests like it too.  My place is carefully put together. My place is small but looks surprisingly spacious. My place will tell you all kins of things about me. My place is cozy. My place belongs to me.